A Simple Acknowledgement

Someone once told me that we should never "just get over it."  Getting over it implies that we should forget and move on.  The truth is that the things that happen to us, the people we meet, and the experiences we have are all what make us who we are.  So instead of getting over it and forgetting, we should simply remember and move forward, not move on.

It's now been a couple weeks since the news of Luke, Anthony, and Katie's death and disappearance stopped showing up on front page headlines, but it's still front page news to those of us who knew the three of them and loved them so dearly.  I spent Christmas with my family up in the Puget Sound where I grew up.  We had nearly 20 close friends and family members at our house for Christmas dinner, but before they arrived, I shared with my mom that I was slightly anxious.  All of them were well informed that Anthony was a dear friend of mine and that I had been living the news they had all been watching on TV.  I didn't know how long I would last being around so many people, or how they would greet me, or if they would even acknowledge my grief.  To my comfort, many of them did, even if it was just with a simply hug and an "I'm so sorry for your loss."  That was enough.  To certain people, I talked more openly about my experience, but mostly I just accepted their kindness and sympathy.  I let my family into my grieving process a bit more though.  At one point in the evening, a wave of emotion washed over me and I excused myself and sat on the stairs going up to my mom's art studio for a long while by myself just thinking, and praying, and crying.  Not long after I had been sitting there, my mom gently put her hand on my knee and said, "I noticed you had been missing for a while.  Just wanted to make sure you were okay."  I told her that I was missing Anthony because this is what Thanksgiving was like when he was here.  She sat with me for quite some time and we just talked and shared our memories of Anthony together.  She held my grief well and helped me in the moving forward process.

Unfortunately, there are some people who don't know how to hold someone's grief. I've noticed this not only with acquaintances that know my connection to the story, but also with good friends that I got to visit while I was at home.  For me, it's harder to interact with someone who doesn't acknowledge the huge elephant in the room.  A simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss" is more than enough kindness to let me know they are thinking about me.  It's very validating.  Perhaps they are thinking that if I wanted to talk about it, I would bring it up.  Or maybe they don't want to be the one to bring it back to my attention when maybe I've forgotten for a while.  Well, none of us have forgotten or moved on.  But to their defense, I'm not sure if I would have known that a simple acknowledgment and hug would be good medicine for the heart.  Walking a mile in someone else's shoes is quite eye-opening.

But now I know that when someone is walking through the grieving process, holding their pain can be as simple as three words and an embrace.  If they want to talk, they will take it from there.  I'm challenged to help those who grieve move forward, not just "get over it."